Living The Dream

"Living the dream" is a quote I often hear from people when they are asked how they are doing.  Often this quote is said with sarcasm.  I have said this myself without a second thought when asked how I am doing and I have found myself saying it with sarcasm.  The last time I heard someone say they were living the dream in a sarcastic tone, I found myself reeling over why people say that phrase with sarcasm and realizing how unfortunate it is that anyone would feel that way.  But wait a minute, I was feeling that way too.  I found myself re-examining my own life and questioning why I was saying that with sarcasm and not shouting from the rooftops that my life is wonderful and exactly what I had always envisioned it to be.  That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was not even sure what my dream was so I definitely could not be "living the dream", at least not my own dream.  At that moment it was like someone had woke me up from a catatonic state and I started to come back to life.  I needed to find my dream and get to living it before it was too late!

I started by spending some quality time with myself.  I took a hard look at my life now and started contemplating how I wanted my life to be.  The first thing I did was make a list of the things that I consider to be my dream and figure out why I am not living that dream.  I have a nice home that I own, a great job and an amazing son so I am off to a great start.  So what is it that is missing and why am I not bubbling with joy every day?  Sadly enough, and as hard as it was to admit and accept, the reason was me.  I was holding myself back.  Not only back, but I was holding myself down.  Failure is easy.  Failure requires little thought or action.  In order to convince yourself that doing nothing and being a failure is okay, you have to make many excuses all day, every day which in and of itself can be exhausting but isn't that easier than all the work it takes to be successful?  To me success was scary.  For me being successful has so many deeper emotional elements that I won't go into right now but I will just say that successes had always brought me feelings of guilt.  I thought that my successes were causing other people pain so being a failure was the right thing to do.  I had totally convinced myself of that.  I became overweight, got into bad relationships, isolated myself from everyone I used to know (including my own family) so that I could keep my failures a secret from the world, and was completely miserable and alone in my misery.  I wasn't living my dream, I was living my nightmare.

I was so insecure that I wouldn't even go to a family reunion or meet up with old college friends.  Occasionally I would muster up enough courage to do things like go to my class reunion a few years back.  But before I could do that I crash dieted for months and I still had to drag my ass there.  And it was fun.  And I know now that everyone there didn't care what I looked like on the outside nor did they care what I had achieved.  They just wanted to see Tina.  But the Tina they knew had not existed for many, many years.  I missed that Tina too and would like to see her myself.  My memories of the old me are constants that will never change.  There are some parts of the old me that I look back on and think if I only knew then what I know now because there are so many things that I might have done differently.  Well guess what, I know now what I know now and there is no reason I can't make those changes now and be the person I know I am and have always wanted to be.

I completed my list of my dreams.  The most important thing on that list is to have a truly happy life.  Staying true to yourself and being yourself even when the world around you tries to make you something else is the greatest success of all and that is my dream.  And I can honestly say I am living my dream!  I have made a lot of changes inside and out and I am a work in progress, but now I am a happy work in progress.  Sometimes it is not easy choosing better options or choosing what is good for you over what feels good or easy for you in the moment, but you and you alone have the power to make your choices so choose wisely.  And the old Tina that I miss is still inside me, she has just been buried.  So I decided to dig her out, dust her off, instill in her all of the stuff that I know now that I wish I had known then, combine her with the mature, successful, beautiful, confident, adult lady that I have become and watch out world.  Now I am the new old me.  Tina 2014.

A lot of people may think their dream is to live someplace magical but always remember that wherever you go, there you are.  If what's inside isn't happiness and joy where you are right now, going somewhere else you will just be the same miserable person with a change of scenery.  It is never too late to have a happy life and it is never too late to live the dream, whatever your dream may be!

Now when someone else asks me how I am I can honestly say "living the dream"!  I hope everyone who reads this is already living their dream and if you are reading this and you are not living your dream what is stopping you???  You only get one life, YOLO as my son and his friends say, go make it fabulous!!!!  Start right now!

This is me and my Valentino handbag which was a dream come true!

I love this!

My New Valentino:)

I won this beauty from a radio contest.  I had my eye on this purse for two months & now it's mine.  I am a lucky girl!

O is for Options

Options are one of, if not the most, powerful things in our lives.  We base all of our choices on a daily basis on the options we have before us.  The choices and decision making begins the moment we wake up every day.  There you are, conscious, and you have to immediately start making choices .  Do you get up right away and start your day?  Do you want to go back to sleep?  Do you go to work?  Do you call off?  All of the things you are contemplating are your options.  How did you choose what options that you would give yourself?  Is going to work really an option? 

Let's explore the word option.  I googled the definition and this is what I found:

op·tion

ˈäpSHən/

noun

1. 1.

   a thing that is or may be chosen.

   "choose the cheapest options for supplying energy"

   synonyms:

   choice, alternative, recourse, course of action; More
2. 2.

   FOOTBALL

   an offensive play in which the ball carrier has the option to run, pass, hand off, or lateral

According to the definition an option is a thing that is or may be chosen.  But where do you get options?  Options are something else that you have to choose for yourself.  Choosing good options is the key to making good choices.  Everything you do in life has options.  What you wear, what you eat, how you spend your time and so on are all choices but each choice has options. You put all of the things in your closet and those are the options you gave yourself when you are trying to make the choice of what to wear in the morning.  The options in your closet are merely a matter of taste.  Those options are easy to choose and a lot of fun to choose also if you like shopping as much as I do!

The most important options are the options that we have control over that could impact our lives.  These are the options that we have to choose wisely.  I will give an easy example.  This morning when I woke up I immediately had to choose what to do next.  There are a plethora of options and if I had to contemplate them all I would never get out of bed so I limit myself to two options upon awakening every day.  I give myself the option of getting up and working out (my alarm goes off at 4:45 am) or hitting the snooze button and sleeping a little longer.  Clearly those are two different options and most of the time I choose to get up and work out (I have been doing the Focus T25 program if you want to check out that blog) but I do occasionally make the choice to sleep a bit longer but then working out in the evening is not an option, it is a given.  If I did not make working out an option then it would never be a choice I would make every day.  

Another good example about choosing good options would be when it comes to eating.  When you are at the grocery store if you do not buy cookies then cookies will not be an option for a snack at your house.  Buy apples or grapes instead and then making a good, healthy choice will be easy!

Of course the above options and choices I was giving were fairly easy choices.  We all know that in life we are faced with much tougher choices sometimes and sometimes your options are out of your control.  If you have limited options it is always best to choose what is good for you over what feels good to you.  An easy example would be if you are at a party and someone pulls out a bong and offers you a hit.  Obviously there are no options there is only a decision.  While taking a hit off of the bong may give you instant gratification, if you get chosen for a random drug test at work on Monday you would lose your job so that is not a good decision for you.  

I would define a choice as when you have multiple options and you were able to choose your options and I would define a decision as a choice you have to make when the options are beyond your control.  For example at work you need to hire an assistant.  You have to make a decision based on your options which would likely be the resumes that you receive.  If you were going to make a choice instead of a decision, you would have control over the options so you could choose whoever you wanted (I would choose George Clooney).  So there is a difference between making choices and making decisions.

A few years ago my son, who was 11 at the time, was faced with tough choices about his first girlfriend.  I wrote him a letter about choices and making good decisions.  I posted it on my blog today.  If you would like to read it just click here.  

Although there are so many things I could write about as far as options go, I will give one last example and be done because I am sure by now you have gotten the point.  If you have read any of my other blog posts you already know that a lot of things I write about are from personal experience and this example is another one of those experiences.  I am a single mother who is not getting any younger and my son is getting old enough that I am ready to find a male companion with whom to share my life.  Due to my own insecurities in recent years I have succumbed to several relationships that only fed my insecurities which just snowballed out of control.  I have been working on improving the most important relationship that I have which is the relationship I have with myself so that I can be the best me in all of my other important relationships (my son, my family, my friends, my coworkers etc.).  In my search for true happiness I have done a lot of soul searching and have come to realize that those bad relationships were my fault.  Two out of the three men that I was involved with were men that I would have never even thought twice about dating in the past.  They would never have even been options.  I can't remember the exact quote but my roommate in college (you know who you are and if you read this maybe you can clarify) would tell us that her grandmother used to tell her that you don't marry everyone you date but eventually whoever you marry will have been someone you dated and it is just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is a poor man.  That simply means if you don't date poor guys you won't marry a poor guy but it really has a much deeper meaning.  You can include any qualities that are deal breakers under your criteria into that sentence (the guy is married, unemployed, divorced five times, has eight children from previous marriages, has Peter Pan syndrome etc.) and if you know from the moment he asks you out that something isn't acceptable to you, don't let him be an option, say no, and move on.  If you say yes you are running the risk of falling in love even though you know it will likely never work or at minimum there will be drama and issues that may not be worth dealing with so just say no.  Not until I just typed out this paragraph did I realize that if I had went by the criteria I listed above I would have never even went on a date with the third guy either.  In my defense it took me a year and a half to realize that he had Peter Pan syndrome.  But I have lived and learned and I am ready to choose only good options which will in turn help me make better choices when it comes to dating and relationships. 

O is for options.  Choose your options wisely.  Remember, choosing good options is the key to making good choices!

Thanks so much for reading my post now go have a fabulous day and if that is too much pressure, have the day that you want to have:)

Letter To My Son

When my son was in the 6th grade he had his first (and so far only) girlfriend.  As his mother it is my job to give him the knowledge to make the best decisions possible in his life.  I am not a meddling mother nor was I being nosy, but for all of you parents out there you know that you have to monitor what your children are doing.  This little girl had a not so great reputation so I would read his text messages after he would go to sleep.  One night I discovered that this girl was telling him that another little boy was declaring his love for her and she didn't think my son loved her as much as this other boy.  My son's reaction was to be pissed at the boy (as would be a lot of adults reaction as well) which to me was displaced anger as this little girl was just stirring the pot and poking my son for a reaction.  Well she got a reaction because my son said to her he wanted to beat up this other boy on Friday.  The next day (which was a Wednesday), I wrote my son the following letter.  That night I sat him down and explained to him that I had seen his text messages and that I wasn't spying on him, I was simply being a loving, caring parent (which of course he did not understand and likely won't until he has his own children).  I gave him the letter and asked him to go and read it alone and think about it and when he was ready he could come back downstairs and we would discuss the situation.  When he came back down he was very upset and we discussed the situation and I hugged him and told him I loved him.  A few days later he broke up with this girl and she was immediately madly in love with the other little boy.  I wanted to share this letter (although my son may kill me if he sees this) because I thought it may help another parent who may face a similar situation.  Being a parent is the most difficult job in the world and it is the most important job in the world.  There are no second chances when it comes to your children.  I highly recommend checking out the website dare to parent for any parent who is struggling or just simply needs help or guidance with their children.  Too often parents try to be friends.  Your children have friends, they need parents!  I hope this letter will help someone else who may be struggling with the issue I was faced with so here it is:

February 23, 2011

Dear XXXXXXX,

I want you to know that I love you more than anything in the world.  You are my heart and soul and the reason I get up every day!  There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you!!!!  I am your mother and as your mother it is my responsibility to give you advice and try to help you make the best choices for yourself.  I always want you to be your own person and make your own decisions but it is my responsibility to make sure that you know that every day in life you have to make choices about every single little thing you do.  The consequences and/or results of those decisions will shape the man that you become and how your life turns out to be.  Even though you may only be 11 years old you are turning into a young man and you don’t always ask for my help, advice or opinion any more so the best I can do if you decide not to ask me for help is at least arm you with as much knowledge as possible so that you can make well thought-out, educated decisions that will help you go down the path you would like to follow in life. 

Every day you have to decide whether to get out of bed or not, you have to decide what to have for breakfast, you have to decide what clothes to wear, etc. (I think you get the drift).  Some days you’re choices are going to be a lot more serious and have a greater impact on your life such as studying for a test, whether to go to college, who to marry, what car to buy, which house do you want to buy, etc. (again, I think you get the point).   Then you are going to have days that you will have to make extremely difficult decisions that will impact your safety and your happiness and possibly your freedom (take XXXXX and XXXXXXX for example… their choices have landed them behind bars… not a fun place to be I would have to imagine).   I want you to think about me and what I am about to tell you during times you feel like you do not need to turn to me for help.  What people say about you, write about you, tell other people about you etc. are just words and they do not matter.  Those people who try to hurt you or make you look bad or whatever their reason is for saying whatever they are saying to and/or about you… THEY ARE JUST WORDS!  Words can not hurt you unless you make a choice to retaliate or react in a negative way… once you do anything as a reaction (say things back to them, spread rumors about them, try to fight them etc.) then you have given them power over you by letting them control your feelings and impacting your decisions… YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO SHOULD BE IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF!!!!  When people say stupid, untrue, malicious, horrible things you can stay in control by walking away and ignoring them.  I know that seems like it would be really hard to do but if you practice that it will become easier and you will soon discover that the person spewing these words that seem so hurtful to you is the person who is unhappy and they want to bring you down with them because they are jealous of you.  Holding your head high and ignoring them and walking away and going on about your day will stop them in their tracks… and if it doesn’t stop them immediately it will soon… I promise!  The only way someone can only have any type of power over you is if you surrender your power to them.  It takes a much bigger man to turn around and walk away from these situations than the man (or woman) that is verbally attacking you, your friends or your family. 

Every now and then in life you are going to be faced with an even more difficult situation where you are physically threatened.  This is a much tougher situation and a much harder decision to make.  I would never condone physical violence unless someone attacked you first (and by attacked I mean physically attack) and then and only then, when you are forced into the situation and must defend yourself, would I ever say it’s ok to fight.  Fights are so unpredictable and can lead to devastating circumstances (XXXXX was in a fight a long, long, long time ago where he was provoked and he ended up beating the crap out of the guy and he ended up in jail for months even though he was provoked).  These days kids (and adults) have weapons of all sorts, including guns, they have friends that might jump into the fight (I was jumped by two girls once and one held me down while the other one beat me in the face… they could have very easily killed me, God was looking out for me that day!) and they don’t have parents who have cared for them so they make really bad decisions but you have the intelligence to make good decisions.  Please, please, please just think about this!!!!!!

While violence may seem like a good, quick solution to problems, it is far from that!  Intelligent people use their minds as their weapon of choice.  People who choose fighting are more often than not either drunk or on drugs which renders them incapable of making an intelligent decision… either that or they just don’t know any better or know any other coping mechanism.  I am your mother and it’s my job to make sure you know better.  You are 11 years old and it’s my responsibility to teach you right from wrong.  It’s your responsibility to yourself and to your future to start making intelligent decisions now so your future is the best it can be.  Your behavior patterns are not formed by one decision that you make about how to handle an individual situation, but they are formed by the collection of these decisions that you make on a daily basis.  I want you to be your own man and I will love you no matter what.  I just pray that you will take what I have said and think about it.  Really, really, really give it some thought and not just get mad at me or throw this away.  I know you love me and I know I can be annoying sometimes but everything I do is because I love you so much and I want you to be the best that I know you can be. 

I want you to know that if you are not comfortable talking about things with me (which I wish you would know that I am always here for you no matter what) your dad is always there for you.  He loves you just as much as I do and you can always confide in him.

I hope you will take my words to heart and not dismiss this letter.  I love you and always will.

LOVE ALWAYS,

MOM 

Happiness is Contagious!

I have so many quotes that I love that help me stay happy, positive and focused every day.  One of those quotes is negativity breeds negativity.  Have you ever been around someone who is constantly negative and that person just seems to try to drag everyone down with them?  Recently I had several occasions that put me in the same situation as a lady with whom I have known as an acquaintance for years.  Mostly we just made small talk when we would run into one another because we had mutual friends.  During the occasions I just mentioned she and I were actually in a working environment together and we ended up having longer conversations.  That is when I really noticed how negative she was.  Her life, according to her, is a train wreck.  Both of her parents are sick and she is financially strapped.  Not only would she constantly go on about her personal woes but she would always want to gossip about people.  Most of the people she would talk about I didn't know but the things she was telling me was very personal stuff.  Every time I would be around her I was forced to endure her negativity and I was so uncomfortable that it got to the point that I just had to stop talking to her.  I would literally leave her presence and be in an utterly foul mood.  The way she made me feel was not good and I didn't like it so I became indifferent to her and had to step away from even trying to be friendly to her.  I also could not hold on to any feelings of guilt or anxiety because I chose to just walk away from this person and her negativity without so much as a conversation with her about how I was feeling.  There would be no point to a conversation as nothing would change about that person and quite frankly I just don't need or want the drama that a conversation would likely entail.  While I can sympathize with her situation with her parents and her finances, I can not risk my emotional well being because of how this person who I barely know makes me feel when I am around her.

Another saying that I love is that if you always do what you have always done you will always get the same result.  Not too long ago (quite frankly it was right after a break up with a man that I thought I was head over heels for) I found myself not liking the results that my life was churning out so I decided to take my life and my results in a different direction.  In order to change my results I had to change what I was doing.  The first thing I had to do was decide what it was exactly that I wanted my life to be like.  There is only one word that kept popping into my head and that word, you guessed it, was happy.  So I sat my miserable ass down and began to think of what makes me happy and I started to work on those things.  I am definitely a work in progress, but I am a HAPPY work in progress!  I no longer hide in my house because I am insecure about how I look and I am learning to avoid negative situations and people in order to keep my aura positive.  Now I take things that don't matter with a grain of salt... and pepper and hocus focus on happiness and surrounding myself with good, happy things.  The things that do matter to me, such as my weight, that I am unhappy with I am working on changing instead of simply accepting those things as my reality.  Your perception is your reality so if you don't like your reality, change your perception!

In life we tend to mimic the aura of those with whom we surround ourselves.  Think about that for a moment.  When you are around negative people you tend to become at the very least uncomfortable.  You may not mimic their behavior but the way they make you feel is what is important.  Whether they make you uncomfortable or maybe you just don't agree with the way they are behaving, your aura is going to be affected negatively when you are around negativity.  Hence, the phrase negativity breeds negativity.  On the other hand, if you are around happy, positive people they can affect you positively.  Take motivational speakers for example.  After listening to a motivational speaker you generally have genuine positive feelings and leave feeling like you are a better person for having listened to them.  During my awakening phase when I was trying to make better decisions about my life in order to get to a positive place, I stumbled upon the Focus T25 infomercial while looking for something to watch on television.  I was so moved and empowered from just watching that 30 minute infomercial that as soon as it was over I ordered the program.  I am 4 weeks into the program and I feel great!   Watching that infomercial motivated me that much.

Now one of my favorite sayings is that happiness is contagious, and it really, really is! Sometimes I feel so happy that I feel like I could just burst.  I am always smiling and trying my best to stay as positive as possible.  It is simply amazing the difference that the changes I have made have had on my life every single minute of every single day. Now I find that sometimes my happiness rubs off on other people which is fantastic. If you truly want to be happy start by avoiding negativity, accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can, and surround yourself with other happy people because it really is true... happiness is contagious!

The Most Important Investment You Can Ever Make

Recently I made the best investment that I have ever made.  I invested in myself.  When I looked up the meaning of the word investment most definitions were very similar to this one: 

 in·vest·ment

inˈves(t)mənt/

noun

1. 1.

   the action or process of investing money for profit or material result.

   "a debate over private investment in road-building"

   synonyms:

   investing, speculation; More
2. 2.

   archaic

   the surrounding of a place by a hostile force in order to besiege or blockade it.

That definition was what came up when I googled the meaning of investment.  Everyone makes monetary investments but I know that there are so many more different kinds of investments because I have been making them everyday.  I used to be so focused on what other people thought of me and trying to make other people happy that I forgot about myself.  My son, of course, is my number one priority and I take pride in the investments I have made in him but this is not about him.  This is about me. Not too long ago I really looked in the mirror and looked at myself and looked at my life and realized that I was not living the life I wanted to live.  I wasn't happy with my weight or my aura.  I am a smart woman and I knew that the only person who could change my situation was me.  So I decided to start investing in myself.  

Every day when I get up I start making deposits into the "Tina Investment Account".  As I am writing this it is 5:00 am and I am getting ready to work out.  Then I am going to make my son and myself a healthy breakfast and pack us both a healthy lunch.  I could forgo all of these activities and get up at 6:30 instead and make him a bowl of sugar filled cereal and we could both buy a lunch made by someone else that contains who knows what.  Instead I choose to get up and invest in us.  

Before I go to work I take the time to make sure my hair is fixed and my makeup is on and I have a well put together outfit, right down to my accessories which for me always includes a fabulous handbag.  This makes me feel good.  And if you read my previous post you know that if you look good, you feel good!!  

Another thing I try to make a habit of doing these days is to only focus on things that matter.  Everything else I just let go.  If something or someone doesn't matter to me I just take it with a grain of salt and pepper. and go on about my day.  

I feel better than I ever have in my whole life and I attribute a lot of that to the investments I am making in myself.

My aura affects other people in my life and when I am happier they are happier (happiness is contagious).  I am living healthier and I feel great from the inside out.  My recommendation to everyone is that no matter what your situation is, you need to take time every day to invest in yourself... the most important investment you can ever make!

If you look good, you feel good!

This post is on my T25 blog but I wanted to share it with everyone!

If you look good, you feel good!