Letter To My Son

When my son was in the 6th grade he had his first (and so far only) girlfriend.  As his mother it is my job to give him the knowledge to make the best decisions possible in his life.  I am not a meddling mother nor was I being nosy, but for all of you parents out there you know that you have to monitor what your children are doing.  This little girl had a not so great reputation so I would read his text messages after he would go to sleep.  One night I discovered that this girl was telling him that another little boy was declaring his love for her and she didn't think my son loved her as much as this other boy.  My son's reaction was to be pissed at the boy (as would be a lot of adults reaction as well) which to me was displaced anger as this little girl was just stirring the pot and poking my son for a reaction.  Well she got a reaction because my son said to her he wanted to beat up this other boy on Friday.  The next day (which was a Wednesday), I wrote my son the following letter.  That night I sat him down and explained to him that I had seen his text messages and that I wasn't spying on him, I was simply being a loving, caring parent (which of course he did not understand and likely won't until he has his own children).  I gave him the letter and asked him to go and read it alone and think about it and when he was ready he could come back downstairs and we would discuss the situation.  When he came back down he was very upset and we discussed the situation and I hugged him and told him I loved him.  A few days later he broke up with this girl and she was immediately madly in love with the other little boy.  I wanted to share this letter (although my son may kill me if he sees this) because I thought it may help another parent who may face a similar situation.  Being a parent is the most difficult job in the world and it is the most important job in the world.  There are no second chances when it comes to your children.  I highly recommend checking out the website dare to parent for any parent who is struggling or just simply needs help or guidance with their children.  Too often parents try to be friends.  Your children have friends, they need parents!  I hope this letter will help someone else who may be struggling with the issue I was faced with so here it is:

February 23, 2011

Dear XXXXXXX,

I want you to know that I love you more than anything in the world.  You are my heart and soul and the reason I get up every day!  There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you!!!!  I am your mother and as your mother it is my responsibility to give you advice and try to help you make the best choices for yourself.  I always want you to be your own person and make your own decisions but it is my responsibility to make sure that you know that every day in life you have to make choices about every single little thing you do.  The consequences and/or results of those decisions will shape the man that you become and how your life turns out to be.  Even though you may only be 11 years old you are turning into a young man and you don’t always ask for my help, advice or opinion any more so the best I can do if you decide not to ask me for help is at least arm you with as much knowledge as possible so that you can make well thought-out, educated decisions that will help you go down the path you would like to follow in life. 

Every day you have to decide whether to get out of bed or not, you have to decide what to have for breakfast, you have to decide what clothes to wear, etc. (I think you get the drift).  Some days you’re choices are going to be a lot more serious and have a greater impact on your life such as studying for a test, whether to go to college, who to marry, what car to buy, which house do you want to buy, etc. (again, I think you get the point).   Then you are going to have days that you will have to make extremely difficult decisions that will impact your safety and your happiness and possibly your freedom (take XXXXX and XXXXXXX for example… their choices have landed them behind bars… not a fun place to be I would have to imagine).   I want you to think about me and what I am about to tell you during times you feel like you do not need to turn to me for help.  What people say about you, write about you, tell other people about you etc. are just words and they do not matter.  Those people who try to hurt you or make you look bad or whatever their reason is for saying whatever they are saying to and/or about you… THEY ARE JUST WORDS!  Words can not hurt you unless you make a choice to retaliate or react in a negative way… once you do anything as a reaction (say things back to them, spread rumors about them, try to fight them etc.) then you have given them power over you by letting them control your feelings and impacting your decisions… YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO SHOULD BE IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF!!!!  When people say stupid, untrue, malicious, horrible things you can stay in control by walking away and ignoring them.  I know that seems like it would be really hard to do but if you practice that it will become easier and you will soon discover that the person spewing these words that seem so hurtful to you is the person who is unhappy and they want to bring you down with them because they are jealous of you.  Holding your head high and ignoring them and walking away and going on about your day will stop them in their tracks… and if it doesn’t stop them immediately it will soon… I promise!  The only way someone can only have any type of power over you is if you surrender your power to them.  It takes a much bigger man to turn around and walk away from these situations than the man (or woman) that is verbally attacking you, your friends or your family. 

Every now and then in life you are going to be faced with an even more difficult situation where you are physically threatened.  This is a much tougher situation and a much harder decision to make.  I would never condone physical violence unless someone attacked you first (and by attacked I mean physically attack) and then and only then, when you are forced into the situation and must defend yourself, would I ever say it’s ok to fight.  Fights are so unpredictable and can lead to devastating circumstances (XXXXX was in a fight a long, long, long time ago where he was provoked and he ended up beating the crap out of the guy and he ended up in jail for months even though he was provoked).  These days kids (and adults) have weapons of all sorts, including guns, they have friends that might jump into the fight (I was jumped by two girls once and one held me down while the other one beat me in the face… they could have very easily killed me, God was looking out for me that day!) and they don’t have parents who have cared for them so they make really bad decisions but you have the intelligence to make good decisions.  Please, please, please just think about this!!!!!!

While violence may seem like a good, quick solution to problems, it is far from that!  Intelligent people use their minds as their weapon of choice.  People who choose fighting are more often than not either drunk or on drugs which renders them incapable of making an intelligent decision… either that or they just don’t know any better or know any other coping mechanism.  I am your mother and it’s my job to make sure you know better.  You are 11 years old and it’s my responsibility to teach you right from wrong.  It’s your responsibility to yourself and to your future to start making intelligent decisions now so your future is the best it can be.  Your behavior patterns are not formed by one decision that you make about how to handle an individual situation, but they are formed by the collection of these decisions that you make on a daily basis.  I want you to be your own man and I will love you no matter what.  I just pray that you will take what I have said and think about it.  Really, really, really give it some thought and not just get mad at me or throw this away.  I know you love me and I know I can be annoying sometimes but everything I do is because I love you so much and I want you to be the best that I know you can be. 

I want you to know that if you are not comfortable talking about things with me (which I wish you would know that I am always here for you no matter what) your dad is always there for you.  He loves you just as much as I do and you can always confide in him.

I hope you will take my words to heart and not dismiss this letter.  I love you and always will.

LOVE ALWAYS,

MOM